


If I Let You Go

by ExoEl88



Series: Juilliard AU [1]
Category: EXO (Band), SHINee
Genre: Angst, Childhood Friends, Goodbyes, Heartache, M/M, Possibly Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-20
Updated: 2015-11-20
Packaged: 2018-05-02 09:10:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5242709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ExoEl88/pseuds/ExoEl88
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>... you'll never come back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If I Let You Go

**Author's Note:**

> Forgive me. I really wanted to work on my pending requests, but a crazy windstorm knocked trees down around my house, so my power was out for two days... I couldn't work on them, so I wrote this on paper by the candlelight and just couldn't resist typing and posting it once the power came back.
> 
> Enjoy this angsty oneshot~

Taemin’s heart is heavy as he watches Jongin collect last minute things with that dazzling smile on his face. He’s so excited. It’s everything he’s been talking about for the past few weeks. No matter how much Taemin tries to be excited and happy for him, he can never fully commit. Maybe he's just being melodramatic, but he feels like this change is so much more significant than it should be. He feels like Jongin leaving Korea means that he's leaving Taemin, too, and he'll never come back. 

He’s never been very far from Jongin. This will be the first time they ever have to try the long distance thing… and Taemin’s not optimistic. He’s seen how easily it happens; friends promise to talk every day and it starts out that way… before talking turns into just a few exchanged texts a day, then once a week, until it becomes so infrequent that they can’t even remember the last they spoke.

Taemin’s already missing Jongin, and he hasn’t even left yet.

“Taeminnie, what’s wrong?” Jongin asks softly. The smile still lingers on his features. He’s practically glowing with excitement. What right does Taemin have to take that beautiful smile away?

“Don’t worry, it’s nothing,” he says, smiling and placing a hand on his shoulder, trying to mean what he says. 

“Taemin…” Jongin says, his smile faltering slightly. “Please tell me.”

He won’t. He won’t say those words if there is any chance that they will hold Jongin back. How can he do that after everything he’s seen Jongin go through? All the late nights in the ballet studio, all the extreme bouts of stress, all the smiles at every well-done performance. He's seen Jongin push himself so hard, and it's all lead up to this. So no, Taemin is not going to say anything. He’ll wait and see what becomes of their relationship after Jongin goes to New York. If it remains steady and constant, then maybe he’ll find the courage to confess. But he’s not going to say those words at such a vulnerable time.

“We’re going to be late for your flight,” Taemin murmurs, smiling softly and squeezing his shoulder.

“I’m going to miss you,” Jongin sighs, pulling him into a tight hug.

The words aren’t comforting to Taemin because he already misses him so much. Nonetheless, he rubs Jongin’s back reassuringly and whispers, “Don’t worry. We’ll talk so much that you won’t have the time to miss me.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Jongin says, nuzzling his face into Taemin’s neck. His warm breath tickles against his skin, causing an involuntary giggle to escape his throat.

“Jongin-ah, stop it,” he says, pulling back a little. Jongin doesn’t budge. He pushes him backwards onto the bed and begins to tickle him. His fingers play at a strip of skin just above his hip, and another dances under his chin. Jongin abuses all his weak spots, and Taemin can’t stop laughing. “Stop, stop,” he laughs, hiccuping for air. 

Jongin’s fingers tickle his stomach through his shirt unrelentlessly. His smile is so cheery and carefree. Taemin’s suddenly overwhelmed by how much he's going to miss this, and all the bliss vanishes. Maybe Jongin senses the change, because he stops just then and his gaze goes soft. His warm, strong arms pull him close. “Taemin-ah, we’ll always be close. Even if I’m miles away…” 

The sentiment kills him a little inside. How is their story different from anyone else’s? Plenty of other people have exchanged those same words and still lost their closeness. There's no denying that Jongin has made a huge decision... without him. He freely chose to exclude Taemin from his future, at least in some way...

“You’re right, Jongin-ah,” he says anyway, wanting to believe those words. He hopes they’ll be right.

“Of course I am,” Jongin says with a playful tone, trying to lighten the mood.

It sort of works. Taemin gently bops him on the head, smirking while doing so. “Mhmm. And they say I’m arrogant.”

Jongin sticks his tongue out playfully before snuggling in closer again. Taemin’s heart aches at every touch. Jongin’s warm arms holding him close like this make him feel the best he’s ever felt. His heart is breaking to think he’s going to lose this… He doesn’t want Jongin to go. He doesn't want their easy going, close relationship to change.

Taemin wants to say more. He wants to say how he really feels about his best friend, but he’s terrified that it’ll change things… and he’s also terrified that it won’t change anything. Jongin’s leaving. That’s not going to change just because Taemin has feelings deeper than friendship, right? He'll just be hurt and rejected that way. But what if his confession does impact Jongin's decision to go? What if Jongin stays and doesn’t follow his dream?

“Taemin,” his childhood best friend says softly. “Stop worrying.” 

He sighs. “Jongin, it’s time to go.” This time, he’s the one to pull away. He doesn't want to, but if he spends one more minute in those arms, he'll never be able to let go. Not without breaking his already broken heart. “We can’t have you missing your flight, can we?”

Jongin nods and sits up, finally breaking the intense eye contact. “No, I guess we can’t.”

His eyes drift to his bedside table, where a picture of the two of them at Lotte World sits in a frame. Jongin isn’t even looking at the camera. He’s looking at Taemin, while the latter is actually smiling at the camera. In moments like those, he could honestly believe his feelings weren’t one-sided. But moments like now, he can’t tell. He can’t tell what’s in Jongin’s eyes as he looks at the photo of them a year ago. He can’t make sense of him, whereas he used to be able to read him like an open book.

“Take this,” Jongin says, handing it over to Taemin. “I want you to have it.”

“Why? You love this picture,” he says, smiling sadly at it.

“Because you don’t have any hard copies of us together,” Jongin says quietly. “I want you to at least have one to look at every day.”

It sounds so hopelessly romantic and Taemin doesn’t know if it’s because Jongin reciprocates his feelings or if it's because he's the sentimental sweetheart Taemin's always known. Either way, it hurts. Looking at that picture every day with the reminder that Jongin is half a world away instead of with him will _hurt..._ but it's better than nothing, so he gingerly takes the photo from his hands. “Thank you,” he says quietly, trying to swallow the lump in his throat.

“You’re welcome, Taeminnie,” Jongin says, standing from the bed and extending a hand to help him up.

Taemin looks at his hand and tries to take in every detail of this moment. Jongin is here in person right now. He doesn’t want this moment to end. He knows that when he takes his hand, they’re going to go downstairs and they’ll get in the car. Once they get to the airport, that’ll be it. If Taemin lets him go, he’ll never come back. Their relationship will never be what he wants so badly for it to be.

But he can't be the reason Jongin stays, so he takes his hand and smiles as brightly as he can. He puts all his riotous emotions into the smile, widening it and making it as genuine as possible. 

Jongin pulls him to standing, no longer smiling. His dazzling smile is downcast, and Taemin’s overwhelmed with the urge to comfort him again.

“You’ll do great,” he murmurs instinctively, squeezing his hand. The connection is so simple, yet it feels so intimate between them. 

“I’m not so sure,” Jongin admits, taking one anxious last look around his room. “I’m not going to have anybody to support me in New York.”

“I’ll always support you, Jongin. Always,” Taemin says, allowing his gaze to follow Jongin’s. So many memories resurface… both good and bad. Arguments and makeups… studying and practicing... playing and sleeping. They do so much together that Taemin doesn’t know what he’s going to do without him.

“I know, but…” He runs his shaky free hand through his hair. “I’m not going to be able to walk to your house just to say hi, or study with you when we have a big test coming up… I won’t be able to see you or Sehun or Baekhyun or Kyungsoo… I’ll be alone. I’ll have to make new friends…”

“Stop it,” Taemin murmurs. “You’ll be okay. You can call me whenever you need to talk. I’m sure that they all feel the same. We’ll be here for you.”

Jongin nods, but tears begin to flood his eyes. Taemin knows he gets like this sometimes, but seeing him cry never fails to tug at his heartstrings. The desire to hold him and wipe his tears away hits him like a train, but he doesn’t do it. He knows that if he grabs Jongin and lets him go, they can never pick up where they left off. Taemin doesn’t want to get hurt more than he already is, so he puts a hand on his shoulder instead and says, “You’ll always have a home here.” He doesn’t mean the room. He means himself; Taemin will always be his soft place to fall... if he chooses. 

“I know,” Jongin says softly, mostly to himself before he moves to turn off the light. “It’s time to go.”

The words are heavy in the dark of Jongin’s room. It stings like the blade of a knife; Jongin really is leaving his home. He's leaving Taemin. Jongin is going half a world away to a country with new people, new places, new things. What chance does he stand against something like that?

He doesn’t.

He knows that.

His lower lip trembles as he follows Jongin out of the bedroom. He bites on it as he closes the door behind him. It’s over.

Taemin hides all his pain behind a wide smile that he knows doesn't quite reach his eyes. He has to be happy for Jongin. He has to be supportive of his dreams, his passion. What kind of friend would he be if he holds him back or allows his own feelings to get in the way?

Jongin locks their fingers together as they walk to the car. Taemin clutches the photo in his other hand, again wishing this could last forever. Jongin looks radiant, teary face and all, as he takes his last look around his childhood home.

How is he going to live without this?

Their eyes connect, and Taemin feels like Jongin can really see him and everything he's feeling right now. It's intimidating and intense. He feels like Jongin can see into his soul, and it terrifies him... because Taemin can't do the same. Jongin's gaze is soft and sad, but _why?_ Is he just getting swept up in sentiment or does he actually feel sad to leave Taemin? Does he have doubts? Why is his gaze so hard to read when it used to be so easy? 

He feels like he's falling apart as he looks away. It’s too hard to share such an intense gaze. He’s torn between wanting to make most of their last moments together and trying to protect his already breaking heart. He savors the warmth of Jongin’s fingers until he pulls them away. It's just to lock the front door, but every time Jongin pulls back, he's reminded that soon, they won't connect again. Every moment of contact between them is limited now... there's a visible end in the near future. 

This is it. This is the last time they’ll be together. The bittersweet feelings prickling at his heart just won’t stop. He wants to be happy; he wants to be laughing and smiling in the last few moments they have together, but he can’t. Not when it’s all coming to a screeching halt. Their closeness is all he’s ever known. Going without it is going to be impossibly hard. He doesn’t understand how Jongin can simply walk away from him. It hurts like hell to think that maybe he doesn't mean as much to Jongin as Jongin does to Taemin.

He takes his seat next to him, heart aching in ways he didn’t think were possible. Love and hate play a game of tug of war over his heart. He wants Jongin to be happy and to follow his dreams, but he hates how easily Jongin seems to be able to let him go. It’s just not fair.

He hates how his heart swells in his chest when Jongin relaxes against him, resting his head on his shoulder as if it's the most natural thing in the world. He hates how he instinctively wants to hold him, press a kiss against his forehead and never let him go. He wants to follow him to New York, to surprise him and help him move in. He wants to help him build a new life with new adventures in a new country. He wants a future together that they can’t have, and it _hurts_.

He closes his eyes and rests his head over Jongin’s. If this is one of the last moments they’ll have, he’ll let himself enjoy it, no matter how much it will hurt later. He doesn’t normally initiate skinship, not unless it’s clear Jongin needs it or unless he’s in a flirty kind of mood, but right now, he’s the one who craves the contact, the connection. He pulls him close and breathes in his scent. His hair smells like coconuts and vanilla and something distinctly Jongin. The smell is warm and comforting; it always has been. It’s the smell he’s grown up with by his side. It’s the smell of the man he’s hopelessly in love with. It’s the smell of the man he’s loosing.

Taemin locks their fingers together, gently thumbing over the flesh of Jongin’s hand. Their closeness makes his heart pound and resonate through his body. The connection between them has always had this effect on him. He always feels so content and loved when they’re like this. He still doesn’t understand how Jongin can walk away from this.

How can Taemin feel this so deeply, yet it's nothing to Jongin? 

Taemin bites on his lower lip, hard. He feels like his heart is being torn into pieces with every mile they pass. Every mile brings them closer to the moment they’ll never come back from...

He desperately wishes none of this was happening, but he swallows down the heartache and pain. He doesn't have much longer to appreciate Jongin's warmth, or his easy affection. This car ride is it, so he wants to commit every single second to memory. The next time they’ll be able to do something like this, they’ll be different people. Jongin will be different, foreign. He’ll use different shampoo and body wash. He'll have different friends, he might even have the beginnings of an accent forming. All traces of who he is now will change in some way… and he knows it won’t be anything huge or significant, but it’ll be enough to create a rift between them that they might not ever come back from. 

Jongin’s moving onto bigger and better things. Eventually, Taemin will be left behind. Once Jongin boards that plane, everything will change. His new life without Taemin will start, and Taemin’s life without Jongin will also start... 

The drive to the airport feels horribly short. Before Taemin knows it, the overwhelming hustle and bustle of the airport parking garage hits him. Endless pedestrians with suitcases and laptop bags flood the streets. Lights from cars and airline signs whir by, and Taemin knows that their time together is, at last, at its end. Nervously, he shakes Jongin's shoulder to get his attention... only to find that he's asleep.

“Jongin-ah,” he murmurs, letting his hand linger. He looks so peaceful and boyish while he's asleep. He hates how his heart skips a beat at the sight.

He wishes he could wake up to that face every day.

Taemin forces his face to stay neutral as he gently shakes his shoulder again. Jongin groans softly before fluttering his eyes open. Taemin can see the warmth in those chocolate eyes, and it kills him to think he won’t look into them again. Not for months until the holidays... and by then, they'll be different people. 

He looks away from his beautiful, sleepy face and gets out of the car. He doesn’t think he can do this. He doesn’t want to watch Jongin walk away from everything they have.

But he steels himself and mentally prepares to say goodbye to his best friend, his greatest love… his first love.

He can’t just sit back and watch anymore. He needs to do something, so he opens the trunk and grabs Jongin’s suitcase. It's heavy in his arms as he lifts it out of the trunk. He recalls a time when that suitcase meant happiness. It meant a trip with one of their families on vacation. It meant doing something _together_. Now it means exactly what it should have the entire time; going away, separation, departure.

How can Jongin do this, even for his dream? Taemin’s dreams always included the both of them… and he used to think Jongin’s did, too. When did that change?

His heart clenches at the sound of Jongin’s parents crying. He’s grown up with them, too, and it hurts. He doesn’t want anyone to be sad, he doesn’t want anyone to cry. He looks up to see them holding Jongin. His mother, way shorter than him, presses a kiss to his forehead and crushes him in a hug. Jongin’s dad brings his arms around them both.

Taemin can’t stand seeing such a sad sight. It kills him a little inside. It shouldn’t be this impactful, this hurtful. Why is it, then?

Taemin knows why. It’s because they are standing on the precipice of a life-changing moment. Everything they’ve ever known will change. Jongin has made the decision to leave them, to grow and change without them by his side. His decision to leave is something parents spend years preparing for... but Taemin never would have guessed he would have to face something like this, let alone with Jongin.

A part of him hates him for choosing this path, but there’s also a huge part of him that can never truly hate him, no matter how much pain he causes.

Jongin's eyes water again in his parents' arms.. “I’m going to miss you so much,” he says repeatedly, looking back and forth between each parent. Tears stream endlessly from his eyes. Taemin's heart swells with the desire to comfort him only to be stifled and held back.

“Promise to stay in contact,” his mom says, patting his cheek lovingly.

“I will, I promise,” Jongin says, smiling and nodding through his tears.

“You better,” his dad adds, trying to lighten the heavy atmosphere around them. 

Taemin’s lip is trembling as he tries not to cry. He doesn’t want Jongin to see him cry right now.

“I will, I will,” Jongin murmurs, giving them one last hug each before turning to Taemin.

Taemin doesn’t meet his tearful gaze. He’s not ready to say goodbye. He’s not ready for it to end... but he lets Jongin grab his hand and pull him aside.

“Will you walk me inside?” he asks, his voice gravelly and hoarse.

“Of course,” Taemin answers, smiling to hide his pain.

They walk silently inside the airport, struck by the crowds and the bright, sterile lights. Taemin is hit with the awful truth that can never seem to sink in. Jongin really is leaving. In less than fifteen minutes, they will no longer be together. The next time Taemin hears from him, he’ll be on the other side of the world.

They find a bench a few feet inside from the entrance, and Taemin relinquishes his hold on Jongin's suitcase. He doesn’t want to let go. He doesn’t want to let _Jongin_ go.

“Taeminnie, I miss you already,” Jongin says, bringing one hand to cover his face.

Taemin grabs his wrist and gently tugs it down. Jongin’s tear-streaked face makes his heart clench and his stomach to churn with anxiety. “Jonginnie, stop crying,” he murmurs. “We’ll always be close.” He really hopes these words are true. He needs them to be true.

“Taeminnie, I…” Jongin starts, looking at a complete loss for words.

“I’m going to miss you, too,” he says, though he’s already drowning in the pain of losing him.

“Part of me wonders if I should stay…” Jongin says, wiping his own tears away. Taemin feels like he’s being sucker punched. He feels like if he confesses, then maybe, just maybe, Jongin will stay. He won’t board that plane and leave.

But he’s not that naive.

“You can’t,” he finds himself saying. “Your future is already planned out.”

“I… I guess you’re right, but… I don’t want to miss you. I wish you could come with me,” Jongin murmurs, sheepishly fiddling with his hands in his lap.

How does he respond to that without crying? The easy answer: he doesn't. “Have a safe flight,” Taemin says, intertwining both of their hands and trying to smile.

_Don’t go._ He wants so badly to say those words, but just can't do it. Not when Julliard is calling Jongin's name.

“I… I will,” Jongin replies, squeezing his hands.

“Don’t forget to text me when you land,” he says, smiling again to hide his watering eyes.

_Please don’t go._

“I promise, I will,” his best friend murmurs, pulling him into a desperate hug. Taemin melts into the embrace. It’s warm and soft and _Jongin_. It’s his home, his childhood, his everything. He can’t believe he’s not going to have this again. He tightens his hold and buries his head in the crook of Jongin’s neck, desperately committing the feel of his arms and the smell of his hair to memory. He doesn’t want to let go of him. He wants to keep savoring the moment for forever.

Nonetheless, he has to go. He pulls back from the embrace with a breathtakingly beautiful sad smile that rips out his heart. “Goodbye, Taemin,” he murmurs as he stands, suitcase clutched tightly in his elegant hands.

“Goodbye, Jongin,” he replies, barely able to say the words. 

_I love you._

He watches as Jongin turns around and walks away without looking back.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so, so, so much for reading. I can't ever say it enough! Every kudos/comment/bookmark/hit really does mean a lot to me.


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